Seasonal Depression

So i have come to the conclusion that i dont like that i have seasonal depression. Lol obviously that is a no brainer. But the weirdest thing is that it hits me worst at night. when there isnt any sun for it to effect me. Its effecting me tonight, but not as strong as it usually does. Just enough to make me feel a little lonely. and tonight i can think about what is really at the basis of my depression. It all comes down to the fact that i feel so alone. I dont have a deep conection with anyone i know. Not anyone in my family, not any of my friends, i dont even have animals i can have a connection with. and i kind of brought it on my self in some ways. i mean from the time i was in kindergarten, i got made fun of, and i guess i just stop making connections with people so that i could keep myself closed off emotionally. I didnt want to get hurt so i closed myself off. and i have just been doing it for so long that i dont know how to stop doing it. I think the last person i opened up to was my ex Kenn, in new york. That was three years ago. I just dont have anyone i can turn to any more when i get emotional and sad. No one i can just talk with. So i guess thats why i have turned to this, in an attempt that i can fight off some of the lonelyness so that it doesnt take over my life. So this is my release, my one form of self pity that i will allow.

Solitude

Lost in my own world
with nothing but solitude
i long for the joy that once was
and cling to the hope that it will some day be back.

This world so alone
Like a prisoner in my mind
Fighting my self like a wild animal
Caged on an island adrift in an endless sea.

Lost in the darkness
Creating for myself in shadows
Looking for the light, and light
That will lead me from the dakness.

Isolation

Isolation wares down the bones and tears at the soul.
Leaving you bleeding, bleeding all alone.
Gasping for air and searching for the light.
Grasping for the hope that was lost long ago.

Like a razor it cuts at your skin
Chokes your voice back
Peeling and eroding your flesh
as the tears run down your face like a river

It rots your eyes and turns them black
Your mind fights and fights
but screams in pain at the loss
and slowly it all fades to black

Jealousy

I have realized lately that i am a kind of a jealous guy. My roommate has a great new guy. And i am jealous of both of them because they have someone in their lives. And they are really good for each other and i really like them both. Lol i am also jealous of his guy cause he can draw, sing, and cook. I dont have anything to offer someone other then myself, and lately i have been thinking that that might not be enough. I am jealous of anyone who has a relationship that is going good. I havent had one for three years, and i havent had any close connection to any one. Not anyone in my family, not with any of my friends. I am just not able to do it and i dont know why. I am sick of being so alone, i am sick of being so isolated. And to be honest i dont know how to let anyone in. Life is lonely some days.

Lately

As of late, i have come to realize how lonely i actually am. Not the "oh i dont have any friends to hang out with" kind, but the actual soul deep lonelyness. I dont have a close connection with anyone, not even my closest friends. I keep even them at a distance. Dont get me wrong, i have amazing friends, who would be there for me in an instant, but i dont want them to know the torment that runs through my head with this kind of stuff. I am always the happy one, but what no one seems to realize is that is all an act. I put on the happy face because thats what everyone wants. Everyone comes to me to talk, so they expect me to be the strong one. And i dont let anyone in or close for that reason, they need someone to look to to be optomistic and to be strong and i am not going to take that away from them. And since i dont have anyone to talk to i dont have that outlet of my lonelyness, i guess i kind of bottle it up. and some times i just want to sit here and cry, but i dont cause i dont see what good that would do.  Thats my thoughts for the night.