Writing poems in my head

Writing poems in my head
about how you make me feel
Things i shouldnt say
For reasons we both already know.

The thoughts of you
and how things could be
waft through my mind
and lul me to sleep.

The dreams that i dream
are full of you
The dreams that dont only fill my night
and seep into my waking days.

Why is it now
That you begin to fill my mind
With dreams
Of what a life with you could be.

But for now
I will keep my mouth tight closed
Until a time when its right
To tell you whats going on in my mind.

Soldiers of Isolation Marching Through my Brain.

Well the feelings of Isolation are showing back up. I just been feeling more and more islotaed lately. and of all places my home is where i feel the most isolated. I feel like i am not supposed to be in anywhere but my room. and thats where i usually stay if someone else is in the house. Any time i am in the living room and michael comes home, its always awkward, cause he will walk through and go into his room and shut the door and not come out until i leave the living room. I feel like i annoy everyone in the house. and then i will get onto facebook and see these pictures of things that michael and his boyfriend and scott and his girlfriend did together, and its not a big deal that i am not invited, but over and over again? I just start to get sad when i hear all these stories about all the fun things they do and i am never invited to go along. I hide in my room because i feel like i am the third wheel most of the time and i just annoy them with my presence. i can tell they feel that i am still a child and that they need to treat me as such. Its starting to come to the point that i dont really want to live here any more. It hurts to much to feel like you dont belong in your on home.

And its not just in my house, its just generally in my life. I am one of those people that no body remembers to invite to anything, that or wants to invite me to anything. I have maybe two friends who invite me to do anything. And isnt a friend someone who you want to spend time with, to hang out with and doing things? I am so sick of having to invite myself to things or being asked last second because they didnt realize i was in the house and then they feel like they have to because they dont want to hurt my feelings. It just gets so lonely, and i dont know what it is about me, i am just a fall back guy, "the guy you go to when you cant find absolutely anyone else, but you still want to do something so lets call joe" kind of guy. If i could, i would change my personality so that i could be calmer, more mature, and less annoying. So that i could be someone that people wanted to call and ask to hang out with. But sadly i'm not. I don't have friends any more, i have people who care about me, but i dont have friends. and i think i am just going to sit in my isolation until something happens, whatever that may be.

Searching

lonely
isolation
lost in the white of my mind

searching
fighting
trapped in my own life

life
lingering
wondering what is wrong

haunted
longing
what i can never have.

Lifting

So about two weeks ago, i started to notice that my seasonal depression has started to lift. All of a sudden there was a click and things just looked and felt different. Lol you could probably tell since i havent really posted anything for a while now. Of course i still have my moments, but for the most part i dont have it. Life is going good, starting a relationship. Doing really well at work. and maybe starting college. So i guess that was just a small update.

A realization.

Last night, i sat by myself alone, just thinking. And i came to a conclusion, or a relization, I isolate myself from everyone. I dont let anyone close. Even the people i consider to be my best friends dont know my inner most thoughts and feelings. Most people dont realize that i fake a smile more often then not. Most people dont realize that i have a soul deep lonelyness that some times sufficates me with how painfully strong it can be. Most people dont realize that when i look in the mirror, i really dont always like what i see. Not physically but, i dont like my maturity level, my lack of common sense, and yes i guess a little physically. I think i am pathetic because i feel the only way i can truely be happy is being with someone, someone i can give my soul to completely and totally. And i think its stupid that i can feel happy while i am single. I hate the fact that i am desperate for that relationship. And i find it sad that i have yet to be loved completely and totally by someone else. When i sit in a crowd, i feel i am all alone. When i am with friends i feel like i am the third wheel. And i think this all stems from the fact that i have isolated myself. I have just done it since kindergarten to protect myself and i guess i have just gotten to the point where i dont know how to stop doing it. So i guess this is my attempt to share this with the people i trust. I havent confided in anyone if forever, and i really dont know how to do it any more. I am usually the strong one that everyone comes to, so in a way i feel like i cant go to someone else. But again this is my attempt. And dont worry, this blog is going to sound very depressing, because i dont want to burden anyone with my problems, but dont worry, suicide is never an option in my book. So this is where i will go.

Felling pathetic.....