A realization.

Last night, i sat by myself alone, just thinking. And i came to a conclusion, or a relization, I isolate myself from everyone. I dont let anyone close. Even the people i consider to be my best friends dont know my inner most thoughts and feelings. Most people dont realize that i fake a smile more often then not. Most people dont realize that i have a soul deep lonelyness that some times sufficates me with how painfully strong it can be. Most people dont realize that when i look in the mirror, i really dont always like what i see. Not physically but, i dont like my maturity level, my lack of common sense, and yes i guess a little physically. I think i am pathetic because i feel the only way i can truely be happy is being with someone, someone i can give my soul to completely and totally. And i think its stupid that i can feel happy while i am single. I hate the fact that i am desperate for that relationship. And i find it sad that i have yet to be loved completely and totally by someone else. When i sit in a crowd, i feel i am all alone. When i am with friends i feel like i am the third wheel. And i think this all stems from the fact that i have isolated myself. I have just done it since kindergarten to protect myself and i guess i have just gotten to the point where i dont know how to stop doing it. So i guess this is my attempt to share this with the people i trust. I havent confided in anyone if forever, and i really dont know how to do it any more. I am usually the strong one that everyone comes to, so in a way i feel like i cant go to someone else. But again this is my attempt. And dont worry, this blog is going to sound very depressing, because i dont want to burden anyone with my problems, but dont worry, suicide is never an option in my book. So this is where i will go.